Our culture promotes the idea that everyone should find one person who is “the one.” The one to marry and spend the rest of your life with. The one to be with to the exclusion of all others. The one soulmate. I don’t believe that to be true because my partner and I have loved many since being together.
I mostly refer to my partner as my soulmate on this blog. While I believe in the application of that word fully, it may give some a different impression than what it means in our relationship. For almost our entire relationship we have been polyamorous.
I’m not talking about swinging or casual sex with others. (Nothing wrong with that as long as everyone is consenting)… What I am talking about is loving and romantic relationships with multiple people. In that way I believe someone can have many soulmates in a single lifetime.
We used to say we are open before learning the term polyamorous. We are open to love in its many forms. And therefore we are open to heartbreak as well. The good doesn’t negate all the bad parts of relationships. And adding more people into the mix definitely means more emotions, more potential triggers, and more processing along with more joy, love and fulfillment.
One thing I enjoy about being polyamorous is how many new things I have discovered about myself and G by being in relationships with others. There are certain behaviors and energies that come out in different dynamics. Someone may bring out a side of G that I don’t see and vice versa.
Typically in the past, we have “dated” or been in relationships with people together. We only chose partners who were attracted to us both and that felt okay for our relationship. Some would think that eliminates jealousy, but no, jealousy is something to work through regardless and (I think) stems from insecurity. The best solution for problems of jealousy is honest communication and loving reassurance. Eliminating jealousy wasn’t the goal in being with people together anyway. We are similar in many ways, typically have been attracted to the same people and enjoy spending time together. We’re not looking generally and don’t have a type; we are just open. In being open and polyamorous, we are not shut off to the possibility of being in separate relationships with people.
One misconception in the polyamorous vs. monogamous discussion is that practicing polyamory eliminates cheating/infidelity. That is false. Like in any relationship, boundaries must be created and upheld for the integrity of the dynamic. Someone can be disloyal and poly. It isn’t a do whatever type of situation in our relationship or anyone else’s who is poly who we have known.
Some people call themselves poly as a morally safe way to sleep around. I’ve heard many terms from polysexual (not to be confused with pansexual), polymonogamous to ethical slut. I don’t mean for this post to get all theoretical so I won’t go into all of that. And I’m totally sex positive, wholely believing in the right to choose a life full of sex with however many partners. I just brought those terms up to say there are so many ways to not have a monogamous relationship. There isn’t one single way to be poly. But there are certainly wrong things to do, many of which also apply to monogamous relationships. But I’ll be honest, I haven’t had much experience in monogamy…
I’m certainly not a relationship expert, but I have managed to maintain an eleven year relationship, ten years married. And like I said, most of this time we have been poly. “It’s complicated,” is an understatement at times. Overall, it feels so much healthier to be open about feelings and desires than to suppress them, feel guilt and shame, and pretend we only have interest for each other. It certainly takes a lot of work and like any relationship, balance and evaluating the questions: Is this dynamic working? Is it worth the effort to make it work? Is this adding to my happiness or taking away from my wellbeing?
Polyamory takes a lot of self reflection and brutal honesty. And while I believe everyone has the natural predisposition to be with many loves, not everyone can really handle being in multiple relationships. This post is a bit all over but I will probably write more in depth on the topic of polyamory.
Peace,
Kei
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