We will max out our Colombian tourist visas come June. So we have to head out to another country unless we apply for some other visa to stay longer.
I do miss being immersed in my queer, trans, Black, Indigenous, POC (QTBIPOC) community. Besides missing friends and family, I will be running out of testosterone mid June or so. I don’t want to have a long period of time where I’m not taking the hormone. But I’m open to not taking it for some amount of time. I have more, but not with me. I wish I had packed it all but I didn’t anticipate staying out of the country longer than 6 months.
I’ve gotten so used to taking it every week for the last 16 months! I’m anxious about what emotional and physical changes may come if I stop taking it. I definitely don’t want to get depressed. I’m not excited about my menstrual cycle starting again. But I especially don’t want my body to change back…that would feel like progress lost. There is mixed information about what will actually happen if I stop taking it. I guess the degree of changes after stopping it also varies just like the changes that come with taking it vary person to person.
My partner does not want to go back to the states. We had a conversation today where they suggested I go back alone to handle the things I (in reality we) need to handle. That really irritated me and made me feel sad for a lot of reasons. We don’t usually travel without each other and especially never in separate countries. It is the anniversary of the day we first met 11 years ago. In all this time we have barely spent time a part.
At this point that conversation will have to be continued when I am in a better space to have it…without getting too irritated and feeling hurt. We didn’t argue, so that’s good. We have been getting along really well overall. The last time we had even a small argument was over a month ago. We are both strong willed people and also sensitive and empathic so when we bump heads it isn’t good.
We don’t have much time to decide our next move. We will be buying plane tickets elsewhere this coming week. We were thinking Peru or Ecuador because tickets are cheap, they are close by and we have been adjusting to being in a Spanish speaking country.
I love living abroad! If I didn’t need to attend to my health I certainly would not want to go back to the states. I can get my psych meds here without visiting a doctor, I just have to pay for it at a pharmacy. If I were to go back to the states alone it would be very stressful for me. The way things are right now, I don’t have a driver’s license. I don’t even have a cell phone plan as I have just been using wifi on my phone since January. So I would not be able to rent a car. And I will have to pay for my phone plan. My partner already has both of those things and together it is less of a hassle and expense.
If we go back together, I would like to rent a car for a few days and clear our storage unit to sell some things at the local flea market. Then move our stuff to a smaller, cheaper unit. Maybe stay with some friends for a week and enjoy some Pride happenings (June is Pride month). Obviously, re-up on the testosterone. Save up some money and then leave back to another country.
When we first left for Colombia we planned for at least three and up to six months max. (It has almost been five now). It is hard being in a partnership during the times when we want different things. But one thing this experience of living abroad has shown me over and over is that it is so important to remain open to change. Of course we have anxiety and fear, of course there is stress from limited resources amongst other stressors. But when we step out on faith and choose a path, we open ourselves to possibilities we couldn’t even imagine prior.
The decision is, will I step out on faith to stay abroad, possibly without the hormones? Or will I step out on faith and we both travel alone for a short period before reuniting? The decision is the same as always being nomadic: where to next? My faith tells me all different roads will in time lead to the same destination if I follow my heart.
Peace,
Kei
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